By Kristine Givas – Relationship Consultant + Creative Hobbyist
This Halloween, let’s take a moment to look at ourselves and our relationship to do some inner analysis.
As a love and relationship educator, I often have fun describing the realities of our path to partnership, and how or why some things get us there or don’t. One thing I’ve noticed people try is cobbling the perfect relationship together by compiling the things they liked from each of their past partners (or ideals). Then they attempt to sew together these traits – from personality, values, humor, intellect, and more, hoping to ‘Frankenstein’ the ideal partner. Then, those same people are shocked when they discover that forcing your desired traits on your partner only leads to trouble.
Let’s get real, that’s not how any relationship works. Something one person might consider flawed or desirable is most likely not going to be so for another person.
With the right outlook we can get in a great dating flow as we learn more about ourselves moving past the wrong partners more quickly, and get in the zone with ones who are a better fit. I’ve always said relationships can be the best teachers, and break-ups happen for you – not to you. You might even consider looking at a relationship as a sliding block puzzle game. You can’t force shapes through that don’t fit – you just need to find the right one.
In reality however, when we are ‘in it’ or doing our own post mortem, sometimes it can be hard to be this productively positive. We also often hold onto ideals that just don’t serve us, or realistically come with the values that will make the relationship last.
Similar to Mary Shelley’s Dr. Frankenstein, if we’re too focused on the goal of being in a relationship, impressing others or focusing on things that should not be priority (ladies, get over the height and men, check yourself on the age) it can destroy our relationship health. What’s more, the same can be said of the sewing – of thinking we can simply take a partner that is imperfect, and stitch them up with the traits we most desire in our relationship. There’s no fixing a person so that they meet your ideals, only finding the one that best fits your needs and desires.
Remember, Frankenstein sewed together dead body parts and was overly focused on scientific glory and his creation destroyed him! Plus, talk about ego getting in the way – he did not even name the monster and it is referred to often by this name further pointing to isolation and loneliness of his situation. And suffice it to say that his attempts at creating the perfect being did NOT work out for him in the end.
The lesson here for your relationship is this: when you’re piecing together your version of the perfect partner, be careful not to push the limits of what is not natural or to an idolized extreme. You may not realize the implications it can have in the end on you or your partner. Furthermore, don’t become hyper focused on making yourself into something you’re not as well, and other things that simply don’t matter in your relationship.
When in doubt, Frankenstein the emotional qualities and values that keep you yourself thriving and centered vs. what the media or your own ego thinks are important. What makes you laugh, helps you grow, inspires you, fosters trust and allows you to be you – but a better version of you. That’s the partner that will help keep your relationship alive.
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